


between blurred lines and untold words

by Portmonee



Category: Bleach
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:33:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29004537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Portmonee/pseuds/Portmonee
Summary: In which Karin dies and loses her memory.
Relationships: Hitsugaya Toushirou/Kurosaki Karin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 28





	between blurred lines and untold words

It all starts as a rumour. They say Kurosaki is dead and Toshiro doesn’t even laugh at that because it’s _absurd_. He would know if the orange headed punk had died, no way he’d hear it as a whisper in the streets. If Kurosaki Ichigo had died, they would have most likely been on the battlefield together. 

But then again he is a human, Toshiro thinks, and humans are extremely fragile beings. 

He still doesn’t believe it and refrains from even talking about it because he hates spreading false rumours. Matsumoto is not around and Toshiro grunts under his breath, classic. Now more than ever he wishes his Fukutaicho would take her job seriously. Now that he so desperately needs her gossip skills to just clear that single shadow of doubt in his brain.

His office door slides open later in the afternoon, not even a knock, and he gets ready for the avalanche of excuses she will soon start blabbing but Rangiku says nothing and that’s quite odd. Moving his annoyed frown over to her Toshiro realises something is wrong. Matsumoto, one hand on the doorframe, is studying him with a foreign, serious look that doesn’t suit her. He reads hesitation and concern all over her face and it worries him. 

“What?”

“Taicho…” She begins and her voice is firm but she’s clearly trying to find the right words. The lack of her usual confidence unsettles him. 

“Matsumoto, what is it?” She takes a deep breath and steps in, closing the door behind. 

“Is this about Kurosaki?” He tries again and it’s frustrating when she doesn’t answer, he really has no patience today.

“Yes.” She then frowns “No.” Sighs “Kinda.”

“Matsumoto.” He warns her once more, this time he’s so close to losing it and she knows.

“You’ve heard, right?” He nods because he knows what she’s talking about “Well, it’s true.”

Toshiro shivers a little because he didn’t quite expect that. Yes, Kurosaki is a reckless, ticking bomb, ready to explode and cause unimaginable and unnecessary panic when least expected. But dead? After everything they have been through? It’s hard to picture.

“Not Ichigo, though.” Matsumoto continues and it does take Toshiro a bit extra time to register her words “Taicho, it’s Karin. Karin is dead.”

It seems like the longest pause because Toshiro is suddenly very much aware of his heart beating loudly in the ears and his lungs are empty but he can’t really breathe and he feels goosebumps creeping from the back of the neck all the way down his spine and he thinks he’s sweaty, very sweaty. 

He’s last seen Karin about four months ago. He’d tried to play it cool saying he was visiting Granny Haru and it just happened to also be the twins’ birthday, as if he’d known. She had laughed that beautiful laugh of hers, head thrown all the way back leaving the pale soft neck exposed and Toshiro remembers he’d hoped she would never laugh like that with anyone else but him. 

Their whole thing is confusing and wrong and he knows, he’s known for a while, but that hasn’t stopped him from noticing how shiny and long and beautiful her hair is, from sneaking out in the middle of the night to sit on her windowsill and watch her while she sleeps. Her expression delicate and relaxed, her body still like it never is, the moonlight casting shadows of the black lashes on her cheeks, the tiny snores escaping her parted, pink, full lips. 

It hasn’t stopped him from noticing how amazingly she’s been growing up, how she disagrees, speaks her mind, listens to him with interest, asks the smartest questions that more and more often he hasn’t been able to answer properly. Karin is young, just a human child, and still manages to amaze him and challenge him every single time. 

Their whole thing is confusing and wrong but he hadn’t move away when laying on the grass on top of Karakura Hill he’d felt her fingers brush lightly over his. And he’d been startled because it was clearly intentional. So without saying a word he’d just let her, not even knowing what else to do, but it must have been good enough because she’d smiled and her bright red blush must have matched his own. _Damn_.

They obviously don’t talk about it either. Toshiro can barely think about it before drowning in embarrassment, guilt and anxiety. He considers Karin mature enough not to need, just like him, an explanation to whatever has been going on between them. And so their friendship has moved on between blurred lines and untold words, a secret kept from each other rather than everyone else.

“Taicho…” Matsumoto knows, has known for a while, and her worried tone brings him back into the room. Toshiro realises he’s been fisting his hands so tight he has to drop the pen in fear of breaking it.

He wonders if she’s suffered, if she’s been in pain, if he could have done anything to avoid it. He wonders if it’s been an accident, if she’d been targeted and if that’s so maybe it’s his fault too. He wonders if he’s been selfishly putting her in danger every time he’d visited. And he also feels a little ashamed because he can’t deny a part of him is sickly excited. If she’s dead it means she’s here. No more sneaking out, no more weird friendship with a human girl. 

But then it downs on him. Karin is no Shinigami so there is only one way for her to cross over and he can’t bring himself to ask. He doesn’t have to, the look in his Fukutaicho’s eyes is enough of an answer as it turns from concerned to pitiful.

“Konso. They had to use Konso. I’m sorry Taicho.”

_Obviously_. 

Karin might have an incredible reiatsu for a human but that’s all she is, was. And although her brother has done more for their world than any other Shinigami, there are some exemptions that just can’t be made, not even for him. 

But Toshiro learns that if a bunch of Shinigami are present during Konso and really focus on the spiritual pressure of the soul, they can return to Soul Society and easily identify and find where the same spiritual energy has just re-appeared. This is how they’ve found her in the 48th District of Rukongai, just a few minutes after she’d left the Human World.

So Karin is not lost and that does bring relief in Toshiro’s heart for a minute, just before he realises what’s coming next because he knows, there is absolutely no way it hasn’t happen. Nobody is legitimately sent to Soul Society without losing their memory. It’s a fact and he’s right.

“She only remembers her name."

It doesn’t hurt like he thought it would, maybe because those are just words and they feel quite empty, floating in the room. 

“Where is she?”

“Taicho…”  
  
“Matsumoto, where is she?” Rangiku is torn and he doesn’t like all this hesitation. She sighs and can’t look him in the eyes.

“Rukia said she’s not okay, Taicho. She’s scared.” That does hurt a little “She needs to be with her family now.”

“Shiba Taicho is here?”

“No, just Ichigo. They are trying to limit visits to the bare minimum.”

Ah, so that’s that. They don’t want him to see her. 

She must be terrified, Toshiro thinks, and she must be furious because she hates feeling weak and powerless and unaware of what’s happening. He also hates himself because he doesn’t remember when he started understanding her so well. 

Toshiro doesn’t sleep that night. He can’t, knowing they’re breathing the same air, knowing she’s just a few blocks away, knowing she is surrounded by people she doesn’t recognise, strangers, and he’s one of them. He can’t sleep and thinks she must be feeling alone and confused and he so wishes he could hold her hand but for real this time. He can’t sleep so wonders what he will see, who he will see, the next time they’ll meet. He bites down the screams and prays she’s not gone, that she’s still there, that she will remember. 

He can’t sleep because he remembers the agony he’s been through when he’d lost his sister, when he thought she’d never smile again, she’d never be the same Momo he grew up with and loved more than anyone else. It had properly killed a part of him and he will not survive another loss. He can’t sleep because he realises he cares for Karin way more than he should.

A few days pass and it’s not a rumour anymore, the Sotaicho confirms it during a captain meeting and it’s official. They have come to an agreement: Kurosaki has finally accepted to be part of the Gotei 13 and Kyoraku has given him permission to keep his sister in Seireitei too, even if she’s not a Shinigami. That’s the kind of exemption a Kurosaki is worth. 

Toshiro still hasn’t seen her, nobody has apart form the Kuchikis. It’s been two weeks and he’s restless and he’s had enough. He genuinely wants Karin to be safe but thinks he’s at least entitled to be kept in the loop of her progress. They are friends. He is quite surprised when Ichigo shows up in his office, deep scowl and dark circles around his eyes. Doesn’t even greet him.

“Look Toshiro, I’ll cut straight to the point.” His voice is low and firm, almost a threat “You can’t tell her.”

“Excuse me?” Toshiro knows how to keep all his emotions in, he does it all the time, but it’s always surprising how Kurosaki can see past the facade. His eyes soften as he runs a hand in the orange hair, sighing loudly and dramatically.

“She’s confused Toshiro, there’s a lot I’m telling her already and I think she’s terrified. You know how she is, she’s fucking mad.”

He knows.

“I just… I know you’re friends but… it’s too early. I need her to be comfortable with what she has for now.”

He also knows what Kurosaki means but it’s too painful so he just sits still, staring, and notices that Ichigo actually looks awful. He’s definitely lost weight and his eyes are tired, heavy and tormented but he’s got that arrogant expression on which makes him appear confided and determined. That’s Kurosaki’s facade. When Ichigo speaks next his voice is even lower and there is so much turmoil and weakness and he almost sounds frightened.

“I need her to be okay with herself first.” 

Toshiro has lost a friend, maybe a best friend, but Ichigo has lost a sister, his family. And as much as he can empathise having had a similar experience with Momo, she’s still here, she recognises him, she laughs at the memories of their childhood and cries with guilt remembering her betrayal, she calls him little brother and they are family. Ichigo has lost it all and Toshiro can’t even imagine how atrocious that must be.

“I understand.” He finally says because Kurosaki is broken and it’s actually very uncomfortable seeing him like this. He understands though, that Karin needs space and time to heal and the best he can do for now is allowing her to do so, is giving her up. And that will probably kill him but at least he knows she’ll be safe with her brother. 

Before Ichigo goes he asks him what has been eating him inside the most in these past few weeks. 

“She’s in there.” Ichigo just says with a sad side smirk before moving to leave and Toshiro nods. She’s not gone, she’s just lost. That will have to be enough for now, for both of them.

“Thanks for understanding Toshiro.” It’s almost a whisper. 

“Kurosaki?”

“Mh?” Ichigo stops on the door.

“It’s Hitsugaya Taicho to you.” That makes him grunt and crack a laugh and Toshiro thinks it might be genuine so lets himself smile a little too.

“Kurosaki?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I see her?” Ichigo slowly turns to look back at him and Toshiro holds his breath in the silence.

“I’ll bring her around next week.” He finally says and walks out, smirk a little wider, eyes a little sharper, carelessly waving goodbye. Toshiro doesn’t have to say thank you because it’s implied.

—

Kurosaki keeps his promise and Rangiku is ecstatic. She’s heard Ichigo is taking his sister around the Divisions and she literally can’t sit still. She’s tidying, giving orders to all the Tenth officers to clean the barracks from top to bottom and they are way too weirded out by her unusual behaviour to question it.

Toshiro is actually quite grateful for the distraction as it stops him from obsessing over his own thinking. He’s not scared, but he’s impatient and nervous. He goes over each possible scenario in his head and he needs to stop because she’s obviously not going to recognise him and he’s hopeless. And he wonders if on the other hand she will feel like a stranger to him just as he will be to her. That scares him. 

He hears Matsumoto squeaking on the other side of the door and his whole body tenses immediately. Kurosaki’s deep voice comes straight after, he greets his Fukutaicho and awkwardly asks to let his sister go because she’s holding her too tight. Toshiro smiles.

“Taichoooo-” The door swings open and he purposely lifts his gaze slowly and with control but his eyes betray him and they move quickly, searching for her face, and Toshiro can’t fight the emotions that take over his body but hopes they won’t show. 

Karin is just as pretty as she’s always been, skin white like the snow, hair black like ink. Her dark stormy eyes are travelling around the room, curious, and she’s partially covered by Ichigo, standing behind him like she doesn’t trust this place, these people, him. She bites her pinky lips as her gaze falls on him and Toshiro stops breathing because he’s not sure he can control his actions and it’s actually embarrassing. 

He can clearly see the absence of any kind of recognition in her look and he’s at loss because he fears she’ll read him like a damn open book, like she always does. But then she moves her eyes away from him and he can’t quite place the feeling but it might be utter disappointment and he wants to run far, far away because she used to look at him with those mesmerising eyes as if he was her favourite fucking thing in the entire world and now… nothing. 

_Who is she?_

“Yo, Toshiro!” Ichigo steps further into his office and he’s glad he has a reason to stop staring at her “Just showing the sister ‘round.”

It’s almost a game now. Kurosaki does it to annoy him, he knows.

“It’s Hitsugaya Taicho.” He corrects him with a huff, standing to approach them, emotions back under control. Ichigo grunts. 

That seems to catch Karin’s attention because her head snaps back towards Toshiro and now he’s sure she’s watching him for real, a bit of a serious and cautious pout as she studies his clothes, his haori, his face. Then their eyes lock again and this time he won’t fall for it so he hardens his gaze while she stubbornly doesn’t back off, even if her cheeks do turn a little red and that almost makes him smile.

But his victory is incredibly brief because she speaks and her voice is strong and sharp and firm and never in his life he would have thought someone could hurt him this bad using his own name.

“Hitsugaya Taicho.” She says and it really does sound like an insult coming out of her mouth. 

_Who is she?_

She doesn’t smile and bows a little and Toshiro knows there is absolutely no way he can stop her without blowing it but it’s so wrong. Ichigo and Matsumoto look mortified and that makes him even angrier because they have no idea how that feels. 

“My name is Kurosaki Karin, pleasure to meet you.” 

He doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t know what to do. She’s expectantly looking at him with a frown because, he knows, she hates the awkward silences. 

“Welcome to Seireitei.” He manages to say at the end, just to say something, and he doesn’t call her anything because he really can’t bring himself to do it. 

—

Weeks go by and everyone is settling back into normality. Karin’s death is old news, she’s now just the non-Shinigami girl taking lessons from Kuchiki Taicho and because nobody knows her as anything else than that, they are okay with it and accept her into their life. Just as she is. 

But Toshiro can’t do it. He avoids any social event, now more than he’s ever done in the past, in fear of seeing her, watching her, hearing her voice, searching in her movements the girl he’s now realising meant so much to him. He’s ashamed to even admit it. And he knows it’s stupid and he’s being a bit of a coward - Matsumoto giving him a look that is half mocking and half disappointed every time she leaves the office to join the gang -but there is no way in hell he will sit down at a table to watch her as she struggles to fit in a life that she can’t recognise. 

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re actually the one struggling, Taicho.” 

Today his Fukutaicho’s eyes are just sad and Toshiro is a little embarrassed when she leaves him like that. 

Of course he’s struggling. He’s struggling because Karin is here but she’s not and there is nothing he can do to fix it. To fix her. He holds his head with both hands because it’s pounding and it hurts. There is nothing to fix. He just has to accept that.

So really, what he is struggling with is accepting Karin as she is now, accepting the fact that he will need to work in order to get back to where their _whatever_ was. What he fears is that it might never get back there. He fears it was just a stoke of luck, that friendship they had. He fears that although Karin might not be lost, whatever had been between them is.

He’s just being a coward and he knows it. 

He tries though, in the following days, not directly, to gather information. He does that because he cares, he does that because he knows if he won’t make the first steps she definitely never will, and he would actually be the only one losing. 

Toshiro learns she’s doing brilliantly and even if it will require some time, maybe a few years, it’s clear she is destined to become a great Shinigami just like her brother, just like her father. He wonders if subconsciously she remembers any of his lessons and smiles because he used to get so frustrated at her lack of concentration, her cheeky smile and smart eyes challenging him. 

“Enough with this meditation nonsense. Teach me how to damn fight, Toshiro!” 

So when he does meet her again something has changed and he feels a little more at ease, a little less upset, a little more curious.

It really happens by chance. Toshiro is walking down the weekend market looking for some gift to bring his Grandma and all of a sudden Karin is just crushing into him. He obviously maintains his composure but she too quickly steps back, doesn’t look in front or behind so also hits another woman, turns to apologies and loses her balance a little, a waterfall of black hair dancing around. She then spins back to face him and Toshiro catches his breath for a second because he can tell she’s recognised him and that’s interestingly exciting. 

“Hitsugaya Taicho.” Her eyes are wide open and she’s flushed and she’s definitely doing something she shouldn’t be doing. He has to bite the smile back because _oh if he knows her_ and she has no idea of the advantage he has.  


“Ah, Kurosaki.” He keeps his tone cool, eyes fixed on her pretty face “Are you okay?”

“Ehm yeah…” She’s avoiding his gaze, looking around the market as if searching for someone “I was just shopping with my brother but I’ve… momentarily lost him.”

Toshiro briefly smirks because she’s never been able to hold a bluff. He wonders if he should tease her.

“I see.” She moves again and he’s hit by a wave of her and she smells like a hot, crispy summer day. He’s definitely going to tease her “So why are you avoiding him?”

Karin snaps back, eyes fixed in his, and in an instant her flustered look turns shamelessly aggressive and defensive.

“What?”

“I hear you’re training with Kuchiki Taicho. I’m sure you can recognise and follow a reiatsu by now?” He’s being purposely condescending because she hates that.

But then she grins widely and Toshiro thinks he’s an idiot because he’s never had an advantage, she’s always been a step ahead. 

“You hear? Have you been asking questions about me Hitsugaya Taicho?”

So damn smug.

“No.” He says too quick “Maybe.” He can’t even lie, trying to smother that worrying feeling of joy, but he’s excited and maybe she can tell. He can’t tell. 

Karin must find that funny because she relaxes her shoulders a little and unfolds her arms.

“Why?”

_Because I care._

Toshiro takes a moment before answering but makes sure his voice is serious and still.

“Kurosakis are a dangerous species.” 

He can see the surprise in her stormy eyes, a thunder of excitement at the realisation he’s being sarcastic, and her lips pop open. Toshiro can tell she’s intrigued now and that makes him proud but he won’t show it.

“We are. You better watch out.” She bites back and her eyes are fixed on him as if she’s trying to see something, to find something, to understand.

“Are you threatening a superior officer?” 

“No.” She smiles a wolf smile “Maybe.”

Ah.

He can’t suppress the half smirk as she starts chuckling and bites her bottom lip, his eyes lingering a little too long as a blush spreads on her cheeks. Karin diverts her gaze and clears her throat.

“Well, I better go enjoy the freedom I have left before Ichigo finds me.”

“Mh.” Toshiro nods, a part of him wants her to stay, but somehow he’s also grateful she will be gone “Just make sure he doesn’t blow off the whole market to find you.”

She scoffs and rolls her eyes dramatically “No doubt he would.” 

“He’s just worried.” He feels compelled to add because he would, too. A cloud of emotions darken her gaze as she meets his.

“I know.” And there is so much silent anger and sadness he gets lost for a moment. But then Karin smiles and takes a step back, bowing her head a little.

“See you later Hitsugaya Taicho.” And makes a move to leave.

“Ka-” Toshiro chokes on his words, immediately realising his mistake, but she’s heard him and has stopped to look back, eyebrows raised curiously “You… not that way.” 

It takes a few seconds for her to understand what he means but he can tell exactly when she does. Her eyes sparkle and she laughs a little.

“Ah ah. Of course not.” She can indeed spot her brother’s reiatsu, not that it would take a genius to do that as it’s literally leaking everywhere. 

But she then doesn’t move, stands still a few feet away with the shadow of mirth on her face staring back.

“What?” 

Toshiro is aware he can come across a tad too aggressive at times but Karin clearly wants to say something so she better say it now because he’s feeling the heat crawling up his neck as she studies him with those clever eyes and pretty smirk. And he feels silly.

“You sure are cool ya know” she laughs out “even though you’re a Taicho.” 

And then leaves him there like an idiot, her words echoing in his head like a lost memory and his heart full like a sunset. Aching.

—

A few weeks later Toshiro finds himself trapped for dinner by Hinamori. 

His head hasn’t been in the best place lately so he only really has himself to blame when he falls hard, right where she wanted him. He should have known better when his sister had requested his assistance for work related business on a Friday night. So when he shows up at the Fifth and she’s extremely quick to tell him she didn’t need him after all, but _hey it’s dinner time, aren’t you starving because I am and how lucky I have a reservation already_ , he knows she’s won. 

And quite frankly Toshiro lets her have it because she’s been trying to take him out for months and he’s always given her nothing more than excuses. It’s not like he didn’t want to see her, it’s more like he didn’t want to see anyone. 

But Momo knows him well enough to give him his time, when needed, and then push him over the line when enough has been enough. 

She also never brings up the Karin situation while they eat their delicious food and talk, even if he knows she’s clearly making an effort. And he has to admit the whole thing is unexpectedly quite refreshing and his mind drifts off as they chat about their divisions and respectively moan about Hirako Taicho and Matsumoto. Momo even manages to steal a couple of genuine laughs out of him as she spits all the gossip she’s learned lately and Toshiro feels happy for the first time in a very long while.

But it’s probably been half an hour she’s been chatting about her romantic life, and he’s learned not to interrupt her or she will start all over again, when her eyes flick past him and she stops abruptly, her bright and gentle face twisting like she’s in pain.

“Oh no Shiro, I’m so sorry.” Momo gasps and Toshiro is very confused as he follows her gaze to the entrance of the restaurant where he immediately recognises a few very well known heads. His heart drops as his eyes move from Abarai, to Hisagi, to Madarame and Ayasegawa and then land on his own Fukutaicho who has her arm wrapped tightly over Karin’s shoulders. Reality downs back on him like an icy shower in the heat of the hottest summer day and his body tenses like guitar string and his brain goes loose and he can’t think and he panics. 

“What’s going on Momo?” 

She looks panicked too and her eyes are wide and glossy. But she can’t answer soon enough because the restaurant is small and they’ve been spotted already.

“Taicho!” As he turns to look back at Matsumoto his eyes find Karin’s instead and she’s so tiny among her companions and looks uncomfortable, but her porcelain face is serious as her eyes jump between him and Momo and Toshiro swallows hard.

“I had no idea.” His sister says in a whisper and she keeps apologising under her breath till Rangiku is standing next to their table and starts whining and pleading them to join the party, Karin still held captive in her grip and Toshiro has to physically force himself not to stare. But he can feel her dark eyes like blades and that makes him even more adamant to reject the invitation with a single, solid no.

“But Taicho did you see who’s here too?” Matsumoto says with a wide smile and squeezes Karin even tighter. 

What follows is tangible awkwardness as Toshiro is caught off guard and can’t formulate a reply so silence falls heavy on the four of them. Momo turns red in embarrassment - for him, for Karin, for his clumsy subordinate, she feels it all - and sputters yet another apology as she declines again the invitation.

“Maybe another night Ran.”

Matsumoto finally desists and leaves grumbling to herself, pulling along a quiet Karin who shoots him one last pensive look.

“I’m so-” Momo starts again but Toshiro is quick to cut her off.

“It’s fine.” He wipes him mouth with a napkin and sets it on the table “Can we go now?”

But his sister doesn’t move and frowns instead.

“No. We talk now.”

“There is no need.” He starts, flustered and frustrated, but she is quick to add on.

“You can’t avoid her forever.”  
  
“I’m not avoiding anything.” 

“You are and you’re being a baby about it.” That hits a nerve.

“No, you are being a baby.” 

He regrets it as soon as the words leave his mouth but it’s too late because Momo tilts her head to the side, sly smile, eyebrows raised mocking him.

“How mature. The Tenth Division Taicho scared of a little girl.”

He takes a deep breath because he’s aware he’s losing his temper and that can’t happen, not in a public place, not when Karin is just a few feet away. Trying to explain himself to Momo would just open a box of emotions he’s tried to bury deep down his heart and he just can’t bring himself to dig it out just yet. Not now, not here.

“That’s not how it is and you know it.” Toshiro says firm and hopes she’ll drop it but he’s known her since forever and she never drops an argument, not even when she’s clearly in the wrong. He knows that too well.

“Yes I know.” She begins, her eyes slowly melting to love and softness “But I also know that you should take whatever you can, when it’s given to you. I know for a fact that feelings can blind you without you ever realising.” She smiles a sad smile “And you need to listen to your friends, Shiro. So listen. You may think you know best but you don’t, and I don’t either, but doing nothing will not help and that’s a fact.”

He knows too well what she’s referring to but she can’t compare what that monster did with her to this. And regardless, he just wants to be left alone. He’s promised Ichigo not to interfere but he can’t pretend like Karin is a stranger, he can’t, so he will just stay away and that’s that.

“Also” Momo continues and something twinkles in her eyes as she grabs her glass “She now thinks the two of us are on a date so we’re going over there right now.” 

“Momo, no.” He commands, shaken by a thunder of astonishment, terror and somewhat excitement. His stomach flipping upside-down, his hands reaching out to stop her but she’s already jumped up, out of his reach, dancing towards their fellow shinigami, a glowing halo around her, and Toshiro has been tricked twice in a day by his sister. She’s good, he’ll give her that.

He finds himself sat in between Momo and Matsumoto. They are all talking way too loudly, Abarai and Madarame arguing from two opposite sides of the table, Matsumoto practically screaming out their order to the waitress, and in the commotion he begins to silently study Karin. Hisagi is next to her, arm stretched out resting on the back of her chair, and they are quietly chatting and she looks at ease now. 

She’s resting her cheek on her fist, elbow on the table, the curtain of black hair dark like a midnight sky and long like a lifetime flowing over one shoulder. It’s grown, Toshiro notices, as it disappears where his eyes can’t follow. He can almost feel her black eyelashes brushing over her pale knuckles every time she blinks and it’s driving him crazy.

But then Shuhei says something and her red lips relax into a soft smile while she curls her little nose and squeezes her eyes shut and Toshiro has never seen her wearing that expression before and it burns. He catches her giggle above the suffocating noise around him and it burns. He watches the Ninth Division Fukutaicho move in closer, as if he wants to tell her yet another fucking secretive joke, and he can hear the dragon inside his soul roar so loud he’s half surprised nobody else does.

Momo’s hand finds his knee under the table and her grip is strong and brings him back where he needs to be. Maybe she’s heard the dragon. It also helps the waitress comes back right in that instant holding a tray of sake bottles and small cups and everyone’s attention is now on the booze. 

But maybe Toshiro has lingered too long on Karin because she turns around, as if she’s been called by name, as if she knows who’s called her, not a single trace of surprise on her face. And with that same studied, alarming, disorienting calm she lets her gaze slide down over him and he’s forced to follow her direction, dropping his head to find Momo’s hand over his leg in what can easily be read as something way more intimate than a sister trying to stop her brother from killing someone. 

Toshiro’s blue eyes flick back up to find Karin’s, shamelessly staring into him, and he doesn’t know what to do because maybe he’s not even sure what is really happening there. But suddenly Matsumoto leans over the table, bottle of sake in hand, and starts pouring cups for everyone, spilling alcohol all over, and Momo reaches out to get one releasing the pressure on his knee, which somehow releases the pressure on his heart.

He tries to find Karin’s gaze again, driven by an eager will to show her there is absolutely nothing romantic going on with Momo, but he’s also a little upset with himself because this feeling is foreign and unnecessary. The thought he has to explain himself to Karin makes him mad because she’s always known, always understood him with no words, but the girl in front of him doesn’t, she doesn’t, and he’s so mad. 

Then, all of a sudden, Rangiku offers her a drink and he speaks without thinking. 

“She can’t drink Matsumoto.”

His Fukutaicho freezes in her motion and turns to him, as everyone else does, and he knows he can’t take it back now, too late, even if the confused and amused glances all around the table almost make him desist. 

Karin is staring yet again and although he’s not sure, Toshiro thinks she must be quite surprised too.

“She’s underage.” He continues because he feels like he has to clarify. He actually hates it. Rangiku laughs a little and she’s trying to conceal her nervousness with sarcasm.

“She might have been in the Human World Taicho, but she’s no kid here.”

“I said no Matsumoto.”

“I appreciate the concern but I’m pretty sure I don’t need your authorisation to drink with my friends.”

Karin’s voice hits him hard and sharp like a knife, deep frown in between her eyebrows and her form is still and stoic you’d think nothing could ever, ever move her. And Toshiro would much rather leave right there and then because it makes him sad and angry watching this person in his best friend’s body pretending to be someone they’re not, but he’s too gone, he’s too jealous, he’s too offended. 

“You do if I’m here.”

He is sure he can see the anger creeping from her pale neck up to her cheeks and he’s stunned for a second because Karin’s eye flicker and her body trembles and something moves inside him but he can’t recognise what it is.

“It doesn’t look like you want to be here though, so maybe you should go.”

Ayasegawa gasps but he’s far away, they all are so far away from Toshiro and Karin.

“Trust me I’d rather be anywhere else but here.” He hisses low and he’s not lying and he hopes she knows it “But Kurosaki wouldn’t approve so as long as I’m here, you’re not drinking.” He moves his burning gaze to Hisagi, his right arm quickly dropping from Karin’s chair “And your friends should know better.”

But she’s not done. Karin is way too fierce and stubborn to bend, way too aggressive to let it go, and Toshiro actually loves that side of her but _oh, wait, here she is._

“And may I remind you, Hitsugaya Taicho, that you’re not my boss.” She holds one skinny, white finger up, almost like a weapon “Not my brother.” Two “And not my friend.” Three. Those are three shots fired. And Toshiro has to admit they hurt a bit more that expected.

It also doesn’t help that he can hear Renji struggling to hold his laugher and he can feel both Momo and Matsumoto tensing next to him. So he forgets his words for a moment and Karin takes that as a win, finally diverting her killing eyes.

“Can I please have one now Ran?”

His fukutaicho shoots him a glance to ask for approval but he’s broken, defeated and tired. Ichigo was right, Karin is still in there, somewhere, but now he’s not sure they’ll be able to bring her back. And if they don’t, Toshiro wonders, will they be okay stuck with this version of her? Will he be okay? It’s exhausting, he’s exhausted. But then he thinks Karin would be so mad at him if he would stop trying, if he would give up, if he would step away from her, and that makes him fall into a pull of guilt and he suddenly feels out of breath.

He stands to leave because his presence is unwanted and he can’t handle it. He’s being a coward yet again but that’s a secret Momo and Matsumoto will keep for him, he knows. It must take Karin by surprise because she jumps a little and something changes on her face but but right now it hurts too bad to care. Momo almost follows him but with a hand gesture he tells her to stay, he tells her he wants to be alone.

Toshiro can feel Karin’s eyes on his back all the way out of the restaurant.

—

A few weeks go by and Toshiro buries himself in work. For once both his sister and Fukutaicho actually back off too. He thinks maybe after the scene at the restaurant they’ve realised it’s not as simple as becoming friends again. He thinks maybe they feel a little guilty and ashamed for pushing him over the comfort line, and that’s okay because he feels the same too so they better all be sharing this sense of unsteadiness. He didn’t put himself in that position alone. 

But he can’t deny there is a part of him which is curious and excited, and it’s definitely hidden under the pain and passion, but he can tell it’s there and he’s been trying to figure out what it is and how to handle it. Moments like this are when he misses Karin the most. She would read him in an instant, she would guide him through his emotions and help him find a reason. But now he has to do it alone and he doesn’t even know where to start. 

He thinks he needs to be carful with her, he knows her temper and he should be smarter and not ignite the flames like he’s done that night. Definitely not when other people are around and it’s hard to dominate the fire, not when other people can get burned, not when other people can watch him turn to ashes. He thinks what he and Karin had was so special and private, so singular and pure that it can’t be shared, it can’t be observed, it can’t be public. He thinks they need to be alone if he ever wants to try to get to know her, again. Or at least get her to know him for real. 

He’s lucky because the perfect situation presents itself one morning, in his office, and he’d be an idiot not to do anything about it. 

There is a shadow on the other side of the door and it’s pacing up and down, up and down. Toshiro waits a few minutes, giving the chance to whomever is on the other end to finally knock, but they don’t and their lingering presence is too distracting so he moves from his desk with a frustrated grunt.

When he slide the door open he finds Karin standing in the middle of the corridor and his heart flips but he keeps still. She’s tiny, and he remembers the first time he’d finally grown taller than her and she’d pushed him hard, red cheeks, annoyed, and he’d felt so proud. A lifetime ago. He’s now towering over her and she has now idea she used to make fun of his height. 

Karin jolts a little, biting on her bottom lip, and can’t look him in the eyes as she tells him she was supposed to meet Rangiku for some books about Zampakuto’s manifestation she wanted to show her. She’d even rescheduled Kuchiki Taicho’s lesson to be there.

Toshiro is surprised but won’t show it, and curses his Fukutaicho because he should have known she does not back off. Ever.

“Matsumoto is on a mission, she won’t be back for a few days.”

“Oh.” Karin can’t hide her shock as well as he can, dark blush and big eyes “Well. Then I should go, apologies for bothering.” 

She bows so fast he almost misses it, but Toshiro doesn’t care because he can’t let her go now that she’s here. He curses his Fukutaicho again but this time he doesn’t really mean it.

“Those books.” He quickly says before she can turn to leave “They are mine. I’m happy for you to have a look if you want.” 

Toshiro thinks if he was not so amused by Karin’s growing embarrassment, he might be too. She looks so stressed and anxious he can’t help but smirk a little.

“Oh that’s very kind but I don’t want to impose.” 

“You’re not. Come in.”

He moves inside his office without waiting for an answer and doesn’t need to turn around to know that a sigh later, she follows after him.

Toshiro knows exactly what books Karin is referring to and as he grabs the three volumes from his bookshelf, he wonders if she’s been struggling in her training. He hands her the first one, trying to catch her eyes, hoping to get an answer without asking the question, but she mutters a thank you under her breath and points her attention to the book, avoiding his gaze completely. She opens it, skimming through the first few pages, and he takes some time to study her. It occurs to him this is the very first time they are truly alone, in the safe empty space of his office. 

She’s beautiful, he can’t help it and it unsettles him. Karin is a beautiful young woman and the memory of the awkward, skinny, tomboy teenager she once was is nothing more than just a shadow on her face, a shadow she’s not even aware of. It must be something in her eyes, in the way her eyebrows frown not in annoyance but in concentration. It must be something in her posture, standing as tall as she can, strong in her petite body, proud of herself. It must be the way she tucks a stray of hair behind the ear, slowly, almost sensually, and she’s not doing it on purpose. He shivers as her fingers run through the waterfall of black. 

“What are you looking for?” His voice comes out as a bit of a crack in the silence and it’s weird, he sounds weird. She quickly glances at him before going back to the book.

“Ehm, noting in particular really.” She replies softly “Byakuya said I should do more research and I’ve mentioned it to Ran and here I am.”

“I see.” He swallows the jealousy and wonders if Kuchiki is actually allowing her to call him by his first name or if she’s just careless like her brother.

She pauses a little then, he can tell she’s not reading anymore, and after a short moment she looks up, uncertainty in her eyes and pinky cheeks.

“Look, I also kinda wanted to apologies for the other night.” She says, trying to mask her insecurity with a steady tone “I was totally out of line and Ichigo really pissed me off that day so yeah, I guess I took it out on you and that was wrong. And rude. I was rude.”

There are a few reasons why Toshiro can’t read her anymore, and he hates them all, but he wants to believe her strong, stormy eyes bravely fixed in his and the deep red blush are signs she’s telling the truth. So he lets her boil just a little more, because he needs a revenge of some sorts, before relaxing his lips into a small smile.

“That’s okay. It was not my place to say what I said either.” And he means that too, he’d let his feeling take over his actions and that’s unacceptable “What you do in your spare time is not my business.”

That seems to upset her somehow.

“I don’t drink much anyways you know, almost not at all.” She’s quick to reply, a scowl replacing her embarrassment “It’s more just to make Ran shut up about it.”

“Good.” He laughs and he has this urge to touch her but he doesn’t “You shouldn’t let her push you around.”

Karin finally smiles, chuckling a little, and it’s so pure and gentle Toshiro has to look away or he will blush. She doesn’t seem to notice, or maybe she does but is kind enough not to tease, and gets back to her reading. 

Silence falls again on the both of them but this time it’s warm and comfortable and Toshiro thinks it would not be too bad if he asked. But when he does, he hasn’t really thought how to, so it comes out as a stutter and he wants to hit himself.

“Has your… Did you…” Karin looks up, eyebrows raised and a splash of enjoyment “Are you having dreams?”

“Not yet.” She sakes her head and huffs “I don’t think so anyways. But I wish there was a way to make it happen like, now.”

“It takes time.” 

“Yeah, that’s what everyone keeps saying.”

It’s hard because the way she’s doing it is completely out of the ordinary and he doesn’t know what to say. Souls don’t train to acquire shinigami powers, they start training after they’ve acquired them. He can tell she’s frustrated but with a quick smile she goes back to her reading, leaning a little on the bookshelf, and Toshiro realises they are both standing in silence in the middle of his office, he’s doing nothing, and it’s awkward.

“I kept a journal.” He spits out before thinking, again, and hopes she’s not heard it. But her head shoots back up and it’s too late to rewind.

“What?”

“A journal.” He clears his voice to hide the discomfort “I kept one when I started getting my dreams.”

“Like a diary?” 

“I guess.” It hits him then that he’s actually never told her about it, not even when they used to be friends, and somehow that makes him more at ease “It helped understanding my zampakuto.”

Karin just stares at him with her big, big eyes and doesn’t say a word and he feels like a fool.

“I mean, it’s merely a suggestion you don’t have to-”

“Can I read it?”  
  
“What?” She’s so blunt Toshiro is taken by surprise and almost barks “No. Of course not.”

He moves away because he’s flustered now but she’s still confused.

“It’s private.” He explains trying to hold the grunt “Discovering your Zampakuto is… is like touching your own soul.” 

Karin is stunned and curious, almost mesmerised. Her eyes drop to his side and his hand instinctively finds the gip of the sword.

“What’s its name?”

“Hyorinmaru.” 

Her lips part ever so slightly and she gasps a little, quietly, then she breaks into a bright, delighted smile and Toshiro thinks she could be glowing.

“That’s a beautiful name.” 

Something moves inside him and it might be the dragon spirit but _damn, she’s beautiful_ and it takes Toshiro a moment to shake it off. He slowly unsheathes Hyorinmaru and the sound of the cutting metal makes his skin crawl. He lets the top of the blade rest on his other palm and extends his arms, offering it to her. 

Karin visibly winces. 

“Can I?” She asks, thin as a needle, and he nods.

She comes closer, book momentarily forgotten under her armpit, and raises her right hand to brush the cold blade with the tip of her fingers in a slow, pensive caress. 

“Nice to meet you, Hyorinmaru.” She whispers, and Toshiro shivers. He can hear the spirit inside him growling loud, fighting, shaking and troubling him to the point he has to actually ask him to calm down.

_I have missed her too, young master._

“How does it feel?” He’s woken by the question but she must see confusion in his eyes and points at the Zampakuto “Having one I mean.”

“Oh.” He swallows as he feels Hyorinmaru diving back in “It feels like… like having a wiser and smarter version of yourself guiding you through the darkness. And it’s still hard at times, but you know you’ve got them.” He sighs “That’s… for me at least.”

“I’d like that.” Karin says in a breath, not really to him he thinks. Her night, cloudy eyes are in his but Toshiro can tell she’s not watching him, she looks lost and far away and his heart aches “I’d like that very much.”

He can see the very moment she finds her way back. She blinks and moves her fingers off Hyorinmaru so fast you’d think she got burned, steps a couple of feet away and lowers her gaze to the floor.

“I really should go now.” She spits out in a blur “Apologies Hitsugaya Taicho for taking so much of your time!”

“Not at all.” He only manages to say before she’s already halfway through the room and he realises he really doesn’t want her to go, he really wants her to stay because he’s missed her so suffocatingly much and he needs her back, now, tomorrow and forever.

“Actually, Kurosaki.” She stops in her tracks and he’s not sure how to say it “You’re welcome to stay if you’d like.”

Karin spins around and Toshiro almost loses his balance under her inquisitive gaze.

“I’m sure Kuchiki’s Mansion is… comfortable enough for your studies, but…” He tries to keep his cool and shrugs “If you need a change of scenery, the Tenth is very quiet. At least until Matsumoto returns.”

His offer floats in the heavy silence for quite a few endless seconds and she’s not moving so Toshiro starts panicking because maybe that was too much, maybe he’s over spoken and has made her much more uncomfortable than he wanted. Maybe he’s compromised it all. 

“But please feel free to just take the books with yo-”

“No.” It’s sharp just like her face and Toshiro is not sure if she’s just trying not to be rude and it scares him “No, I’d love to… study here. I just don’t want to bother you.”

“No bother, I wouldn’t have offered.”

It’s hard, it’s always been hard, to make Karin do something she doesn’t want to, and with this thought in mind Toshiro hushes the insecurities and fears as he sits back at his desk and lets a sparkle of hope shine in his heart.

He grabs a handful of thick paperwork laying around and she quietly finds her place on his yellow couch. As he tries to gather his focus on the documents he feels her eyes on him again and looking up finds her smiling knowingly at him.

“What?”

“Nothing.” She grins a little “It’s just that I can’t figure you out Hitsugaya Taicho, and it’s driving me crazy.”

He frowns and she chuckles, her bubbly laugh making him speechless and nervous.

“I mean one day you’re a total ass and I get it, we busted your date with Hinamori Fukutaicho, and yes, I was a jerk too but still. And now you’re like the nicest man in the entire Seireitei.” She laughs again and the glee in her voice is tainted by a little doubt “I genuinely can’t keep up with you.”

Toshiro is flustered. He hates to be put on the spot, has never liked it but she’s always done it, and he needs some time to formulate a comeback but Karin is watching him slyly and there is something else but he can’t place it, so he finds himself falling in her trap.

“I was not on a date with Hinamori.”

Her laughs dies a little as she keeps her sharp eyes on him, daring to look away, a small, playful smile on her lips.

“I know.” Karin says in a whisper and Toshiro can’t recognise her tone, her expression, her language.

“Ran told me.” She continues and her voice is low. “I asked.”

She winks at him and Toshiro catches his breath, but he’s too good at containing his emotions and she still can’t figure him out, he hopes. So when he finally realises she’s being smug on purpose he ignores the dry mouth and racing heart and doesn’t take his eyes off hers.

“I see.” She thinks she’s got him wrapped around her little finger, and she might be right, but she doesn’t necessarily need to know it yet “What about you and Hisagi Fukutaicho?”

Her face breaks into the most splendid display of shock, embarrassment and annoyance. All her witty words and clever stunt blown away like a match in the wind.

“Wha-what? No!” Her skin turns a dark shade of red and she’s horrified and panicked “Of course not, that’s ridiculous!”

Toshiro knows he should give her a break but also wants to savour her little discomfort as much as he can, so he keeps his deep stare on her and smirks amused.

“Mh.” A beat, he takes his time “Good.”

She squeaks quietly but Toshiro hears it and it pleases him. If Karin thinks she’s the only one who can flirt and get away with it, she’s got it all wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> Am I ever going to get over these two? Help. Send help.


End file.
